Dumb Husband (joke)

Lisa · April 16th,2007, 10:55 PM

A blond guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his four-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, walks past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

"You rotten bastard," says the husband. "My wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"

Lisa · April 16th,2007, 10:56 PM

Last delivery

It was mailman George's last day on the job after 35 years of delivering the mail through all kinds of weather. When he arrived at the first house on his route, the whole family came out, roundly congratulated him, and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the next house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he'd had enough, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this is just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that I wanted to do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.'"

"Breakfast was my idea."

Lisa · April 16th,2007, 10:58 PM

Insulting his mom

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best lay in town."

Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him and the drunk wanders off and stands at the far end of the bar.

Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points to the same guy, and says, "I just screwed your mom, and it was swe-e-et!"

Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk wanders off.

Ten minutes later he comes back and announces, "Your mom even let me..."

Finally the guy interrupts: "Go home, Dad - you're drunk!"

Lisa · April 16th,2007, 10:59 PM

Horny pilot

A 747 was starting its descent and the pilot had forgotten to turn off the P.A. system.

"As soon as I clock off" he said, "I'm going to have a nice cold beer and then screw the arse off that blonde flight attendant." The horrified flight attendant made a dash toward the cockpit, but tripped over in the aisle.

A little old lady sitting there whispered, "There's no need to hurry love, he said he was going to have a beer first."

Lisa · April 16th,2007, 11:01 PM

Blonde radio

A blonde bought an a.m. radio and it took her a month to find out she could listen to it at night.

Lisa · April 16th,2007, 11:02 PM

Mother of six

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.

He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home now Mother of Six?"

His wife, finally fed up with her husband shouts back,

"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

Princesa · April 17th,2007, 12:04 AM

:rolf: OMG those cracked me up so bad!!!!!!

tan0h0lic · April 17th,2007, 02:59 AM

HAHA!! :rolf: i love these! where do you get them??!

Breanne · April 17th,2007, 09:42 AM

hahahaha :rolf: i love them! especially the druken dad one! :rolf:

Jamie · April 17th,2007, 09:44 AM

My favorite is the 'Mom' one!! :rolf: Those were great!!

Jamie · April 17th,2007, 09:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Breanne

hahahaha :rolf: i love them! especially the druken dad one! :rolf:

Copy cat.

Breanne · April 17th,2007, 09:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jamie

Copy cat.

to bad i posted before you! :rolf:

Jamie · April 17th,2007, 10:28 AM

Oh whatever. I was in the middle of reading them. lol

April 16th,2007, 10:55 PM	#1
Lisa Administrator Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Florida Posts: 24,781 Threads: 2818 Credits: 8,657	Dumb Husband (joke) A blond guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his four-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, walks past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. "You rotten bastard," says the husband. "My wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!" __________________ CLICK HERE TO JOIN THE TAN FORUM

April 16th,2007, 10:56 PM	#2
Lisa Administrator Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Florida Posts: 24,781 Threads: 2818 Credits: 8,657	Last delivery It was mailman George's last day on the job after 35 years of delivering the mail through all kinds of weather. When he arrived at the first house on his route, the whole family came out, roundly congratulated him, and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the next house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he'd had enough, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this is just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that I wanted to do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.'" "Breakfast was my idea." __________________ CLICK HERE TO JOIN THE TAN FORUM

April 16th,2007, 10:58 PM	#3
Lisa Administrator Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Florida Posts: 24,781 Threads: 2818 Credits: 8,657	Insulting his mom Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best lay in town." Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him and the drunk wanders off and stands at the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points to the same guy, and says, "I just screwed your mom, and it was swe-e-et!" Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk wanders off. Ten minutes later he comes back and announces, "Your mom even let me..." Finally the guy interrupts: "Go home, Dad - you're drunk!" __________________ CLICK HERE TO JOIN THE TAN FORUM

April 16th,2007, 10:59 PM	#4
Lisa Administrator Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Florida Posts: 24,781 Threads: 2818 Credits: 8,657	Horny pilot A 747 was starting its descent and the pilot had forgotten to turn off the P.A. system. "As soon as I clock off" he said, "I'm going to have a nice cold beer and then screw the arse off that blonde flight attendant." The horrified flight attendant made a dash toward the cockpit, but tripped over in the aisle. A little old lady sitting there whispered, "There's no need to hurry love, he said he was going to have a beer first." __________________ CLICK HERE TO JOIN THE TAN FORUM

April 16th,2007, 11:01 PM	#5
Lisa Administrator Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Florida Posts: 24,781 Threads: 2818 Credits: 8,657	Blonde radio A blonde bought an a.m. radio and it took her a month to find out she could listen to it at night. __________________ CLICK HERE TO JOIN THE TAN FORUM

April 16th,2007, 11:02 PM	#6
Lisa Administrator Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Florida Posts: 24,781 Threads: 2818 Credits: 8,657	Mother of six A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home now Mother of Six?" His wife, finally fed up with her husband shouts back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!" __________________ CLICK HERE TO JOIN THE TAN FORUM

April 17th,2007, 12:04 AM	#7
Princesa Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Milwaukee,WI Posts: 1,889 Threads: 122 Credits: 4,065	:rolf: OMG those cracked me up so bad!!!!!! __________________ MexiRicanNative...Princesa!! I'm a spicy mix! lol "Si vas a hacer algo,hazlo con estilo"

April 17th,2007, 02:59 AM	#8
tan0h0lic Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: St. Cloud, MN Posts: 3,335 Threads: 175 Credits: 720	HAHA!! :rolf: i love these! where do you get them??! __________________ LiVELAUGHL0VE<3 jOin the [fun] at TTF! cliCk here!

April 17th,2007, 09:42 AM	#9
Breanne Senior Member Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: Largo. Posts: 8,471 Threads: 470 Credits: 700	hahahaha :rolf: i love them! especially the druken dad one! :rolf: __________________ See Me On Myspace!! www.myspace.com/our_worlds_collided [.Live Everyday As If It's Your Last.]

April 17th,2007, 09:44 AM	#10
Jamie Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: LarGo, FL Posts: 20,686 Threads: 1835 Credits: 930	My favorite is the 'Mom' one!! :rolf: Those were great!! __________________ *****************

April 17th,2007, 10:28 AM	#13
Jamie Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: LarGo, FL Posts: 20,686 Threads: 1835 Credits: 930	Oh whatever. I was in the middle of reading them. lol __________________ *****************

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